this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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