I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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