I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
