its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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