My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
