i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
