i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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