Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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