so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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