So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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