6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
