I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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