I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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