Someone shit on the floor
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
