Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
