It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
