One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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