If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
