Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
