made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
