I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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