I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
