my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
