he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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