It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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