we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
