some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How does one acquire holy water?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
