We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
