i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
