I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
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I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The air was thick with penises
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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