it hurts more in the daytime
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
