if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
