one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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