wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
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Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
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Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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