Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
