i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
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I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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