You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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