he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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