Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
