We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
