I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
