I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
