She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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