I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
