Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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