Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
