this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
