Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
please come you make the beer taste better
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
