he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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