And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
