i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
