Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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