Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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