i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
