awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
