I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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