Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
