Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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